I rarely panic, well, not when I’m on dry land anyway. I have been known to flail about a bit in the ocean.
“Don’t forget to take your phone, Daddy,” I blurt out, as he informs me that the ambulance is outside. (See previous 2 posts to see what brought us to this point)
My default reaction is exactly the same as it was when I received the phone call from the hospital in August. Sit down and figure out what to do. My sons to inform, flights to book. Be grateful that the radiotherapy hasn’t begun. Trixy to kennels. It’s weekend and low season so getting a flight won’t be a problem, but I need to book return, because there is a hospital appointment Wednesday to get the results of that test. I am grateful there is enough in my account to pay for this, there are times when there isn’t.
What if ?……. Don’t go there. Deal with that if it happens.
It’s appropriately wet and grey when we touch down in Manchester.
Guy has come up from London, and meets me at the station in Lancaster. It’s a long weekend. Beyond his age, there is a mystery as to what exactly ails my dad. We wait all weekend, hoping for a diagnosis. Rachael comes up from London. She’s the one who makes my dad smile. The 3 of us get soaked to the skin, walking to the nearest pub for food and a break from the sterility of the hospital. I explain to the nurse in charge that I have to get back to the Canary Islands on Tuesday, and why, and that my dad doesn’t know about my cancer. I hate that they might think I am leaving him when he is so ill and so old.
When I leave on Tuesday there is still no diagnosis. Austin is on his way. My return trip turns out to be a waste of money because the test results are delayed. On my way back from the hospital, I do something I haven’t done for years. I call into a church and light a candle. I don’t practice any religion, but I do believe in prayer.
I am researching flights when Austin calls. His granddad is weakening, and I should get back asap. Frustrated with internet searches I go to the airport to ask. It’s the middle of the night, but they confirm there are no direct flights to Manchester for a couple of days. I book to London and a train to get me back to Lancaster.
An hour out of London, I get a message from Austin to say he will meet me in Preston, where I should be changing trains. This doesn’t make sense.
Here he is on the platform. He carries my bag to the car, slams the boot, and turns to tell me what I already know. There is no way that he would have left his granddad in the circumstances. In the rain, in the car park we hold each other. I don’t know who is comforting who.
Emigration comes at a price, and that is the guilt you feel for those you leave behind.
These were the last two photos I took of my dad. I was on my way back from Florida in May of 2015 and we went out for lunch in Kendal. My dad was slow to smile, but he actually looks very happy here.
July 28, 2017 at 1:12 pm
This post broke my heart.. I know you have told me about it, but this is different.
June 26, 2018 at 1:28 pm
It was almost like a dream, you know, you just put one foot in front of the other.
July 28, 2017 at 4:40 pm
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. It’s been seven years my father’s been gone and I think of and miss him almost daily. Good fathers like ours leave a big, achy hole in our lives when the go. I wish you peace and good memories to hold you through the hardest times. ❤
June 26, 2018 at 1:23 pm
I feel awful that it has taken me almost a year to see your comment. I took a while to get back into the blogging habit 😦 Beautiful words, as always from you. Thank you so much xx
July 28, 2017 at 8:14 pm
having a little weep for Johnny. I still see the man I knew as a child. sorry you weren’t there Linda. Lucky in such a god son to be there for you.
June 26, 2018 at 1:29 pm
Sorry this has taken so long. Getting bac k into the blogging habit has taken longer than I thought! He wasn’t the easiest person to get to know, but his heart was most definitely in the right place. Yep. Am SO SO lucky in my sons.
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