It’s been an odd week, me feeling as if in limbo for some of it, and weekend finds me tired, if not exhausted. I hesitate to use that word, because I have had much more demanding weeks in my life, so I feel guilty about using it, when it is largely self-inflicted and all in my own head.
What was neither, was following the news story about the patera which capsized off the coast of Lanzarote. It used up a fair amount of emotional energy, just listening to it, reading about it, knowing that it won’t be the last time….
Focus of my week was the paper I had to do for the social sciences course Thursday. Using the honor system I had to do it in examination conditions, and it freaked me out just as much as if I had had to go to an examination center. I developed mysterious aches and pains and some tachicardia, which had disappeared this morning, after a good night’s sleep. Handwritten, it had to be posted by yesterday at the latest. Any sensible person would have had it in the post some days before instead of drawing it out until the last second, but not me. Anyway, it’s on its way to Barcelona now, for better or for worse, so I have some nail biting days until I get the result. When my alarm went off to tell me time was up I was too emotional to read it through, since I couldn’t change anything, and I felt I had done it really badly. After filling in the forms, writing out the envelope and poured a large glass of Sheridan’s I decided to read it, and it didn’t seem too bad. Popped it into the envelope, sealed it all up and ran a bath. Then, whilst soaking I kept remembering things I should have included. Oh, well, too late now.
I have to say that I am finding the course much more engaging and interesting than the English Literature I did a couple of years ago, so I know the changeover was right. This did not stop me from considering giving up, though. I am finding it difficult in parts, but that is a challenge. Mainly, I was chaffing against the financial restrictions I am experiencing, and, frankly, the cost of this course would pay for me to go to visit Guy, so it wasn’t an easy decision to continue. The second negative was the amount of my time it was taking. I turned down invitations to all sorts of things over the last three or four weeks, and despite a small wave of cayucos I didn’t go on callouts, and I felt bad. I emailed with my team leader who rubbished my feelings of guilt, saying that each one of us can only give the time we have to give, as volunteers. As he used to be a volunteer, as opposed to someone brought in from outside, so he understands.
It was a tiring week at work too – talk of redundancies, which didn’t happen, and customers being even more agressive or clingy than usual – the times in which we live I think.